How To Figure Out Why Someone Triggers You

Written By Jinu Niki, LMFT

Do you sometimes wonder why someone bothers or triggers you? Maybe you find yourself freezing, your body pausing, or feeling a thud in your chest as if your heart dropped because of something someone says or the way they look at you. It might be a coworker, boss, acquaintance at a social gathering, or a family member.

Here are three questions to ask when you are triggered but can’t figure out why. These questions might give you some insight into why something someone said or did is keeping you up at night or making you feel stuck, like you’re on a hamster wheel, unable to get off.

1.    Who does this person remind me of?

o   Did you get a sick feeling in your stomach or feel your chest tightening? It could be that this person looks, sounds, or reminds you of someone who previously hurt you.

2.    Who else made me feel this way?

o   Did you have a knee-jerk reaction or freeze? It could be that it took you back to a painful emotion that you’ve felt by another person. If you were verbally, physically, or emotionally abused to feel not good enough, different, damaged, unsafe, or not in control, a situation in the present can be a trigger.

3.    When is the first time I felt this feeling or emotion?

o   Most often, if your parent was emotionally unavailable, critical, neglectful, demeaning, or shaming, your parent or caregiver might be one of your earliest experiences.

Here’s a friendly reminder that this happens more commonly than you might presume. So, do not think there’s something wrong with you. Instead, use this as a way to inform and reflect on some of your unresolved experiences and relationship traumas.

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Jinu Niki, LMFT

Jin is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with over 15 years of experience helping high-achieving individuals navigate anxiety, perfectionism, life transitions, and the lasting effects of familial trauma. She is passionate about creating a supportive, collaborative space where clients can gain insight, build resilience, and experience meaningful change.

As a Clinical Fellow and Approved Supervisor with the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT), Jin is dedicated to mentoring and supporting the next generation of therapists. She is also a Certified EMDR Therapist, bringing specialized expertise in trauma-informed care and helping clients heal from experiences that continue to impact their relationships, self-worth, and daily lives.

Outside of her professional work, Jin is an avid traveler and food enthusiast who enjoys exploring new cultures, connecting with people from diverse backgrounds, and trying new restaurants and local cuisines wherever she goes. Jin believes that healing happens when people no longer feel driven by the need to prove their worth and can finally experience the freedom, confidence, and contentment that come from knowing they are enough.

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