How To Figure Out Why Someone Triggers You

Do you sometimes wonder why someone bothers or triggers you? Maybe you find yourself freezing, your body pausing, or feeling a thud in your chest as if your heart dropped because of something someone says or the way they look at you. It might be a coworker, boss, acquaintance at a social gathering, or a family member.

Here are three questions to ask when you are triggered but can’t figure out why. These questions might give you some insight into why something someone said or did is keeping you up at night or making you feel stuck, like you’re on a hamster wheel, unable to get off.

1.    Who does this person remind me of?

o   Did you get a sick feeling in your stomach or feel your chest tightening? It could be that this person looks, sounds, or reminds you of someone who previously hurt you.

2.    Who else made me feel this way?

o   Did you have a knee-jerk reaction or freeze? It could be that it took you back to a painful emotion that you’ve felt by another person. If you were verbally, physically, or emotionally abused to feel not good enough, different, damaged, unsafe, or not in control, a situation in the present can be a trigger.

3.    When is the first time I felt this feeling or emotion?

o   Most often, if your parent was emotionally unavailable, critical, neglectful, demeaning, or shaming, your parent or caregiver might be one of your earliest experiences.

Here’s a friendly reminder that this happens more commonly than you might presume. So, do not think there’s something wrong with you. Instead, use this as a way to inform and reflect on some of your unresolved experiences and relationship traumas.

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